Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
