Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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