it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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