Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize