I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
