I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
