Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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