sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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