I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
