Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
