At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
