i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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