she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My liver just had a heart attack.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
how drunk are you?
Several
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
