when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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