And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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