The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize