you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
