Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
