someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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