here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
