Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
