I feel like I'm in dance class right now
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
