She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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