I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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