My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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