i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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