my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
