Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
