Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
