I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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