Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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