Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He felt like a one man threesome
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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