omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
