My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
