Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize