I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
