just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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