Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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