No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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