I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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