I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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