finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
