Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
