"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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