Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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