I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
