Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
