I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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