I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
being pregnant is like rehab
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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