We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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