I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
