went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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