Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
