Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
