i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize