i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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