I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
