I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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