i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
