I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
